Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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