3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
