wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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