My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
