Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
