I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
