So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
