I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
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