need another drink. this is the easiest way
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
