I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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