So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
