its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
