Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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