yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
