I think I am morally bankrupt
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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