Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
