Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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