cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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