I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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