on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
