The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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