So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
