Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
