Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
