Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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