Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We are two peas in an std pod
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
