im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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