Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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