I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
