I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
