Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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