I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
