shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
