just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
