Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
