Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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