I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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