my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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