i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
