i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
