Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
