Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
