please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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