I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
