Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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