alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Randomize
