I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
