i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
