i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize