The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
