Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
