He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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