I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
