she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
