when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
