i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
