so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
