i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
zippers are such a cool invention
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
