well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
