why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
They took my balls.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
