News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
