I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
