the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
